…and she can be a real bitch about it, too.

My name is Jennifer, but call me “Jen”… with one “n” please,  as I cannot handle the pretentiousness of the superfluous consonant. This is my blog.  If you are here, it’s only fair that you know who you are dealing with.

Here’s the gist of me, assembled in no particular order of importance:

I am complex to the simple and simple to the complex. I stand up for what I believe is right… even if it’s sometimes wrong. I admit my mistakes and learn from them. I don’t eat baked fruit… it’s either fresh off the tree or it’s not for me. I am stubborn. I love witty repartee. I cannot stop learning. My bed is amazing and mine all mine. I am old enough to embrace my own disasters. McDonald’s is my second home… I should rightfully weigh over 300 pounds. I wish I were taller. I wear killer heels to compensate for this genetic deficiency. I could give Imelda Marcos’ shoe closet a run for the money. I love super-smart people and I don’t suffer fools gladly. If you are my friend, I will bend over backwards and into pretzel-like contortions to help you in any way I can. I go the extra mile. I get called the Cruise Director. I hate poseurs. I get told I’m bossy but I don’t mean to be. I adore vocabulary and all its whimsy. I dream big and carry a small journal. I need a man who is responsible and confident and who I don’t scare the drawers off of. I believe in charming a man’s knickers off instead.  Every purse I own is filled with an immense amount of crap I am pretty sure I don’t need, but you never know… I like to be prepared, yet I fly by the seat of my pants pretty damn well. I hate when people ask me why… if I need to spell it out, you probably just inherently don’t understand me. I prefer to ask “How?” As in, “How can I make this happen?” or “How can I help you?” I am a fixer. It can be a problem. I don’t ask for help very often. I applaud those who do. I don’t think I know what depression is. Sadness? Yes. Boredom? Sure. Depression? Not so much. I have never gotten to an emotional state that I couldn’t change for the better somehow. I love getting flowers… probably because it reminds me of my grandfather who brought flowers to my grandmother every Friday without fail. I am a talker. I love verbal expression. I listen actively. I curse idiotic drivers. I can have a potty mouth and a gutter mind. I have a damn good poker face and consequently can be very convincing. Sometimes it’s a bluff. I am the girl who is loved by every guy’s mother… with the exception of my ex-mother-in-law. I get called the girl next door. I think that’s funny. I am mentally organized, but a spatial war zone. I have been an insomniac since around 11 years old. I can spank your ass at Entertainment Trivia. I write lyrics for music I cannot make. Music molded my childhood. It continues to warp my present… in good ways and bad. I wanted to be an artist when I was growing up… and a coroner. The dead don’t frighten me. I run in a cemetery. I love quiet but create my own noise. I look cute in football jerseys. I like to conquer my fears. Adventure is a principal element of my personality. I love my parents. They did right by me and my siblings. I am a product of private Catholic schools. No, it didn’t make me naughty – I did that all by myself later. I am a Type A personality. I go big or go home. I never go home though, because I never see defeat as an ending… just another opportunity. I excel at selling things… from candy bars in school… to love as a matchmaker… and now I sell the sky. I love a challenge. Please don’t throw down the gauntlet as I will feel compelled to pick it up and run with it. If something doesn’t exist, I will try to create it. I am crafty… in lots of ways. I watch and learn, but ultimately I teach myself best. I respect those who do the same. I am unique, but so is everyone else. I ruminate on people to better understand my audience. I have good insights and even better instincts. If you instinctively understand me, I’ll want to keep you forever – not in a Norman Bates way – but in my life because you are rare and precious to me. I see Football Sunday as a religious experience. Sometimes you have to suffer for your god. Martha Stewart really pisses me off… not because she’s super talented or crafty or wealthy or a criminal… but because she makes people feel inferior. I am not going to play humble here, I could out craft Martha quite handily, but you can damn well bet I’m not making those who can’t, feel less-than-special because of it. I hate spelling errors. If you see one here, please point it out, as I fume when paid journalists are sloppy in their craft and I aspire to be better because this is a labor of love. I love my cats. I have no tolerance for people who are cruel to animals. Compassion should be a base element in a human being – sadly, it was omitted from many. I am kind. I genuinely care about people, in spite of any benefit or detriment to myself. I want to make the best choices for myself but I don’t fear making mistakes. I am a perfectionist about certain things, but with others, I am happy to be behind the curve. I am weird about certain foods, specifically because I am a texture person. My favorite individual on this planet is my own grandmother. She’s the kind of person I aspire to become and I am thankful each and every day that I get to spend time with her. She is my best friend and when she is gone, I will be shattered but satisfied that I never let her doubt the profound effect she has had on me. I like to get my hands dirty. I always want to know what makes things go. I take stuff apart and put it back together. I have an affinity for Kraft Mac n’ Cheese – the powdered version, not the new fancy crap. My Dad worked for Kraft and I grew up with Mac n’ Cheese, Jell-O, Cool Whip and Kool-Aid. I was a happy kid and I liked my siblings, even if I suggested sending my sister “back to God” when she was sick at birth… I erroneously presumed that if she was defective that God would have an exchange policy akin to Caldor. Yes, Caldor. I can’t understand spending hundreds of dollars on jeans. I wear only Levi’s. I am loyal. I will argue with you. I don’t mean to piss you off, but I will definitely do that, no doubt. I will be sorry for doing so, however. I love my nieces and nephews. I like harmony but I think it’s necessary to rock the boat unless you plan to drift aimlessly in circles. I love to drive for hours. I like to fly even more. I adore airports. I traveled more by the age of three than most people will in their lifetime. I’m not anywhere near close to done yet either. I take comfort in the absurd. I embrace the horror of certain situations. I don’t take things too lightly or too seriously. I love Lucky Charms. Cauliflower and broccoli gross me out, as do any small vegetables that appear tree-like. I am a voracious reader. I read very quickly and am always ticked off when a good book ends. I think so outside-the-box, that I fear I’ve lost sight of the box entirely. Yet, I am always aware of others who exist nearby or inside the box and I can play along in their world quite easily, even if my internal monologue is screaming in protest. I am delighted to find others who have “lost the box”, because they restore my faith in the unfettered imagination. Writers of all styles impress me. Good or bad, you had the fortitude to see your project through. I hate wishy-washy people. If you promise something, deliver on that promise to the best of your ability. Follow-through is important. I crank the car radio and sing loudly and inappropriately when behind the wheel. I love being underestimated, because I like to be surprising. I love surprises but very few people are capable of pulling it off for me. If I get too ahead of myself, I like to be reined in a bit, but only by someone whose intellect matches my own. I believe that smarts aren’t about books at all, but about knowing people. I think manipulation too often gets a negative connotation. Understanding what makes another individual tick is paramount to connecting with others – show me someone who doesn’t analyze those he surrounds himself with and I’ll show you a guy going nowhere. I drink iced lattes… even in 10 degree weather. I need salt in my diet or I get headaches. Shellfish will kill me… everything except scallops… which is really freakin’ weird… but I love scallops, so weird is fine in this case. Weird is actually fine in most cases, as I find weird to be another word for interesting. I like to be fascinated. I love the ocean. My favorite place on the planet is three hours and six minutes from me and I sometimes drive there and never tell anyone I’ve gone. Just to spend one hour staring at the water and thinking about the life I live and how blessed I am. My favorite holiday is the Fourth of July. Vacation with family and friends and no pressure whatsoever. I like to drink. However, I like to drink safely, which means if I am planning on a wingdinger of a night, I have no plans to transport myself anywhere. Life is too short to be stupid. My friends are accountable. I am accountable. I have zero love for those who shirk responsibility or just refuse to grow up and be adults. That said, I think adults have way more fun than the young. We are experienced in doing fun things better – and honestly? We have bigger bankrolls to work with. I think money is great and functional and all, but it isn’t the reason for anything, just a means to the ends we’d like to reach. I love feeling secure but almost always prefer to be just a shade away from chaos, as I like to stay on my toes. I hate complacency. I hate laziness even more. I hate when I am lazy most of all. I don’t think I am anything special to look at. I only see me in the mirror. When others say that I am attractive, it always genuinely surprises the hell out of me. I’ll tell you I am amazing, but I’d rather you tell me first, if you don’t mind. I wish people would say what they mean instead of glossing over the facts. I am a big girl. I can take whatever you can throw at me and I promise you I will live to tell the tale. I like when people are direct. I expect that when people who know me actually ask for my opinion, that they really want to hear what I have to say and I won’t candy-coat the things I tell them. If I love you, I will always shoot straight – even if it ain’t pretty. I can’t sit still for very long. I get antsy. I always have a wild scheme running somewhere in my mind. I honestly scare myself with my own machinations at times. I can often see a total stranger and in a simple moment, seize the essence of who they are – where others seem totally oblivious. I’ve been called a witch before. I wonder what that means?  I accept people as they are and I’m pretty certain people can only change their behavior, not their personalities. I try to be good. I think it’s all about the effort. Of course, I say this when I’m naughty… otherwise I’m pretty Yoda-esque in the “do or do not – there is no try” Jedi way. I have often been accused of pulling a Jedi mind trick. Guilty as charged and not sorry for it. I cry more from joy than pain or sadness. Though I am a total ball buster, I am also a total sap – but if you really know me you’ll have suspected this all along. I defend the male species when women cry “Men Suck!” I believe that people in general can suck and that men are no better or worse than women. I relate better to men than women. Yes, this makes me the girl most women hate on premise alone. I can’t and won’t change this. I love sports. I am not prone to emotional rants. I don’t need to be coddled… in fact, I hate being coddled. I love to be loved, but I am not the rainbows and butterflies type of lover. I don’t need displays for the world to see and as far as I am concerned, a relationship is between two people… not shared with all of Facebook or exalted or lamented on Twitter. Social media can be profitable, useful and fun… in that order. Those who lose that perspective scare the beejeezus out of me. I love old music and current stuff too,  but I believe that whatever songs were on the radio when you were in-utero will have a special place in your heart all throughout your life. Which means it’s the latter part of ’73 to early ’74 that resonates for me. So yeah, I still “Sing” along with Karen, I have a boatload of Stevie’s “Superstition,” I’m often convinced by the Doc that I’m in the “Right Place, (at the) Wrong Time” and besides Billy Preston, I’m sure that no one has debated more, “Will It Go Round in Circles?”

I have come to a simple conclusion. In this wild world, I believe that there is an underlying, undeniable net of righteousness that eventually catches us all. Some call it karma and for lack of a better term, I’ll go with that. I know if I’ve thrown good out there into the universe, I’ve gotten good back in abundance… now, whether I recognize it as a “happy return” at the time is all relative of course. Yet, if I’m being bad or in some way cognizant that my behavior is less than stellar, you can damn well bet that the cosmic universe is going to waste no time punching me right in the mouth. So yeah. Here’s what I know: It does go round in circles. Some circles are bigger than others, so the comeuppance seems a long time coming or the wait for the payoff seems eternal. Some circles are gratifyingly tiny, like when that asshat in the Beemer cut off the cute granny, turned to flip her off and crashed right into the shopping cart that had rolled into the street. Either way, the universe is a balanced equation and so are we. If you are good most days, then you likely don’t have anything to fret about. However, if you tend to suck in general? Sure as shit, Karma Will Kick Your Ass Someday… and sweet lord, please let me be there to see it.

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